Dear Travis,

I have a girlfriend, and I'm in love with this girl so bad. But I always find myself not good enough for her. She didn't mention it of course, but I just know that I'm not good enough. I kept making mistakes, and making the wrong moves. In the end, I hurt her very much. I don't know why, sigh. But I have no intention to do so. I mean, who purposely wants to hurt his own girlfriend, right ? Yeah, I hurt her again today. I was really messed up and cant control myself. I was so angry, so I talked harshly and started accusing her stuff. But I feel very very guilty though. I was smiling and laughing outside with her brothers and sister, but in the inside, only God knows how i feel. Terrible, yes. During buka puasa, I manage to see her, her smile and laughter. Really made me happy and smile. I felt calm that moment. Then I decided to end my meal to pray Maghrib. As soon as Im done praying Maghrib, I just sat there in Farvin's room alone and took the chance to recite for awhile. Asking God to forgive me for being such a terrible boyf, to forgive her, to forgive both of us for our sins and make us a better person, for her not to give up on me, and asked God to give me a chance to make it up to her. Amin. I went out to the living room after done reciting. I wanted to try make her smile at her house, try to talk to her. But I didnt managed to do so. Then she went into the living room, lying down not far from me. In my mind I said this might be the chance for me to talk to her, make it up to her. But my body just wont do as I say and want to, suddenly I was scared. I mean, I've made a lot of wrong moves. I can't afford to make any wrong moves anymore that time. I don't want to hurt her even more, you know. Although I want to talk to her badly. But I was just to scared. So I kept silent and did nothing instead. Im such a coward, I know. I hate myself very much that very moment, cause I wasn't able to do anything. I thought she was sleeping, so I just watched her from my seat. I decided before I went to futsal, I want to kiss her forehead, whisper to her ears saying Im sorry and put a note in her hand. But it didnt go as planned. Hearing we were about to leave for futsal, she quickly stood up and walked to her room and slamed the door with a sad disappointed face. I feel even more guilty, useless the moment she told me that she was crying in the living room while I thought she was sleeping. At futsal, after receiving those text from her I was speechless. I don't even know what to reply, what to say to her. I was afraid too that what I reply might even hurt her more or make her even more pissed off and annoyed at me. So I decided to play. But again, thats a wrong move. My life is just full with wrong moves. Guess Im not a good decision maker. Till now, I havent decide what to do next. To text her or not, to call her or not. I just want to apologize for everything, I wish it was just that easy. You know Travis, I always put my very high expectations on our relationship. I dreamt of being her lover her whole life, marrying her, and have kids with her, sitting at the porch having tea while watching our kids play and grow old together. I always imagine about all that future stuff, cause I always thought me and her, we would have a bright future ahead of us. But knowing me, its hard. She knows that too, cause im a messed up guy that keeps making mistakes. Although making mistakes, arguing and stuff are part of a relationship, Ive hurt her more that a lot. I know. I just hope she can see that behind this jerk, this guy that always make mistakes and wrong moves, this messed up guy, Im Zahir Fikri, just a normal guy that is madly in love with her since we first started dating and will do anything for her just to be with her my whole life. And I hope she wont leave me, cause I wont and I dont know what will I do if I lose her. Death would be the only option I have if she's gone. I just love her too much. Ya Allah, i need your guidance. I dont want her to leave. Please help me, please