Dear Travis,

I have a girlfriend, and I'm in love with this girl so bad. But I always find myself not good enough for her. She didn't mention it of course, but I just know that I'm not good enough. I kept making mistakes, and making the wrong moves. In the end, I hurt her very much. I don't know why, sigh. But I have no intention to do so. I mean, who purposely wants to hurt his own girlfriend, right ? Yeah, I hurt her again today. I was really messed up and cant control myself. I was so angry, so I talked harshly and started accusing her stuff. But I feel very very guilty though. I was smiling and laughing outside with her brothers and sister, but in the inside, only God knows how i feel. Terrible, yes. During buka puasa, I manage to see her, her smile and laughter. Really made me happy and smile. I felt calm that moment. Then I decided to end my meal to pray Maghrib. As soon as Im done praying Maghrib, I just sat there in Farvin's room alone and took the chance to recite for awhile. Asking God to forgive me for being such a terrible boyf, to forgive her, to forgive both of us for our sins and make us a better person, for her not to give up on me, and asked God to give me a chance to make it up to her. Amin. I went out to the living room after done reciting. I wanted to try make her smile at her house, try to talk to her. But I didnt managed to do so. Then she went into the living room, lying down not far from me. In my mind I said this might be the chance for me to talk to her, make it up to her. But my body just wont do as I say and want to, suddenly I was scared. I mean, I've made a lot of wrong moves. I can't afford to make any wrong moves anymore that time. I don't want to hurt her even more, you know. Although I want to talk to her badly. But I was just to scared. So I kept silent and did nothing instead. Im such a coward, I know. I hate myself very much that very moment, cause I wasn't able to do anything. I thought she was sleeping, so I just watched her from my seat. I decided before I went to futsal, I want to kiss her forehead, whisper to her ears saying Im sorry and put a note in her hand. But it didnt go as planned. Hearing we were about to leave for futsal, she quickly stood up and walked to her room and slamed the door with a sad disappointed face. I feel even more guilty, useless the moment she told me that she was crying in the living room while I thought she was sleeping. At futsal, after receiving those text from her I was speechless. I don't even know what to reply, what to say to her. I was afraid too that what I reply might even hurt her more or make her even more pissed off and annoyed at me. So I decided to play. But again, thats a wrong move. My life is just full with wrong moves. Guess Im not a good decision maker. Till now, I havent decide what to do next. To text her or not, to call her or not. I just want to apologize for everything, I wish it was just that easy. You know Travis, I always put my very high expectations on our relationship. I dreamt of being her lover her whole life, marrying her, and have kids with her, sitting at the porch having tea while watching our kids play and grow old together. I always imagine about all that future stuff, cause I always thought me and her, we would have a bright future ahead of us. But knowing me, its hard. She knows that too, cause im a messed up guy that keeps making mistakes. Although making mistakes, arguing and stuff are part of a relationship, Ive hurt her more that a lot. I know. I just hope she can see that behind this jerk, this guy that always make mistakes and wrong moves, this messed up guy, Im Zahir Fikri, just a normal guy that is madly in love with her since we first started dating and will do anything for her just to be with her my whole life. And I hope she wont leave me, cause I wont and I dont know what will I do if I lose her. Death would be the only option I have if she's gone. I just love her too much. Ya Allah, i need your guidance. I dont want her to leave. Please help me, please

Twenty Ninth and still counting

I can never describe how I feel about Zahir. Never. Every time I try to find out what it is, I'll be clueless. Maybe because I've never felt this way before. Or maybe what we have is something special, something very crucial that I don't care what people want to call it as long as it stays forever. Or it might be that my feelings for him is beyond anything that you can imagine. Better yet, it can be all of the above and more. What I know is that these feelings, all the shivers, the excitement, the happiness, the joy I constantly have ever since he came into my life twenty nine months ago is definitely love. A love that somehow can't be expressed in words. Indescribable, you can say. All you need to know is my love story is better than the love stories you watch and read. For sure.

We had been through stages in our relationship, both good and bad. Yes, every relationship has it's own fair share of happy and sad times, I'm aware of that but what Zahir and I had been through was unique in it's own ways. I'm grateful that we went through the hardest and the lowest part anyone can ever imagine but still managed to stick with one another. We also had gone through the bad times continuously, one problem after another, screaming into each other's ears but look at us now. We barely bicker over things like we used to because we've learnt and know each other better throughout the days, months and years. We survived and we managed to save our relationship all together. I admit, every time we misunderstood each other, I felt like I can strangle him but what do I know? I love him more than I thought my heart could. It's undying even if he annoys me.

My ego is as big as my head plus my whole body. Hence, I always want to be the one who wins if we argue. Yet, he never complains. I know the moment he asked me to be his, he accepted me for good or bad. He let me win every time and I love him more for that. Yes, I can be selfish. Yes, I can be a brat. Yes, I can be annoying. Yes, I can be whatever I want to be. He never complains as long as I stick to him and never leave. I realised I've been a pain in the ass to him for this long, so I want to change. I want to be the one who doesn't complain even if he's selfish. Even if he's being a brat. Even if he annoys me. He can be whatever he wants to be as long as he stays by my side and never leaves. I won't complain. Now, this is a big task for me as everyone knows I'm a serious complainer. However, I want to be good enough for him. I want to live up to his expectations. I know nobody's perfect but I want to be. To him, at least. I know it took me so long to change my massive ego but it's better late than never.

I may have gone through disappointments because of him and shed tears because of him but he will still be the best and remain on top of my heart. Always have and always will. That'll never change. Our relationship of 2 years and 5 months may be a short period of time to some of you but it may sound like a decade to some of you too. Whatever it might sound or look like, only Zahir and I know how our relationship is and how we managed to survive until now despite what we have gone through. I knew him before I know love exists and throughout my childhood life, my life revolved around him just like how it is now. He has been in my life since as long as I can remember and yet, I never feel bored. Not even a tad bit of bore. In fact, I love him even more each day and with every tiny littlest thing he says and does, I fell in love over and over again. I've never cared of how he presents himself, it has always been about him and him only. The person that he is was one of the many reasons I fell in love for real for the first time. He made me feel the love and care he has for me.

I might let out foul words and sometimes I tend to be ignorant, but bare this in mind, I've never stop loving him and neither have I regretted choosing to be with him. Words I've thrown when I was angry and pissed weren't as sincere as the words when I said 'I love you' or 'I won't stop loving you'. I've never said 'I love you' without meaning it from my heart. He's the air that I breathe every mili second, he's the water I need to drink every hour, he's the blinks I need every few seconds, he's the light I need to see through the days, he is just simply the guy that I need and love to make me stay alive. Without him today, I won't be as happy as I am now. I'm proud of him for not leaving me under any circumstances that he had to face.

Nothing can show you how much I appreciate your presence in my life but thank you anyway. For every single thing you have done for me. And a big huge massive SORRY for every bits of trouble you faced for me, every bits of burden you have to carry for me and for every tears you shed for me. I truly apologise for my immatureness for all this while.

You light up my life, Zahir Fikri. HAPPY 29th ANNIVERSARY, SWEETIE. I love you till my heart stops beating and our love is for eternity, I promise ♥

XO.

Magical

I officially turned old today. Who would've thought, next year I won't be in my teens anymore. I feel so old. Regardless of me feeling like a grandma, I had the nicest birthday ever. Zhr never failed to make me happy, especially on my birthday. He'd done a wonderful job on planning two of my previous birthday(s) and today wasn't any different. Despite my exhaustion, Zhr made me happy. He burst into my room at midnight with +wondermilk's heaven-tasted cupcakes and brought Fara along. I was sleeping and was really shock to see everyone standing before me singing Happy Birthday. With my sleepy eyes, I blew the candles half awake. The cupcakes were so cute with the pastel colours and everything. I almost teared up realising how sweet my boyfriend can be. The cupcakes tasted as nice as the appearance and I saw presents on the couch! I love presents!

I opened up the one with the yellow wrapping and found a blue,white and red vintage bag. I love it and hugged Fara to thank her for it. There was a red box with a pretty ribbon on top and I knew it was from the love of my life. I opened it slowly and found two dresses. Both are so different from one another yet have the prettiness in their own ways. I love both and couldn't wait to flaunt it them. I didn't have to wait for long as there was a note in the box that said 'wear one tomorrow night'. I was desperate to know what was on his agenda but I couldn't dig the secrets out of him. After hanging out for a little while, Zhr and Fara went back home at around 1.30. I slept with a massive smile on my face that night and it didn't fade the next morning, literally.

Zhr fetched me up this morning to send me to college and I had the hardest time to pay attention to my classes as I couldn't stop thinking where would he take me after. Finally the clock turned 1700 and I was eager to go. I changed and got ready in the car as we didn't have time to go back. My heart pounded like a gajillion times per second the whole way. Turned out he reserved a dinner for two at Renaissance Hotel in the middle of KL. I felt so pretty as I get to be the princess for the day. He constantly kiss me on my forehead every time he had the chance to. And I love him more for that. We got a table by the window, so we could see that the weather was pretty nice too. It was drizzling and it was perfect for a dinner. I know we're forever. I just know it because I can feel it.

Today was such a fairytale for me. The best part was I have my own prince to myself. I love you, Mohd Zahir Fikri B Mohd Azmi. You are the best, the greatest and my everything. You mean a lot to me. A whole lot.

Now let's wait for our anniversary which is a day away. Oh, I just love celebrations :)

Trying hard to get

My legs hurt so bad but I'm the happiest girl alive today :)

Other than I got to spent my entire day with Zahir, I scored a couple of stuffs from the visit to OU this evening too. I finally got myself a pair of sexy wedges. The fact that it's leopard makes it even sexier. Oh, Zara has always been the one with the prettiest clothes and shoes! I definitely will bring some babies home for Raya. Fingers crossed! I can't stop thinking about their blouses and dresses now.